In this article, we will focus on the Narcopath (Narcissist + Sociopath.) However, people with cluster-B personality disorder (Narcissists, Sociopaths, Psychopaths, Borderlines, etc…) fall under the Anti-social Personality Disorder (APD), which oftentimes possess very similar traits or even all of them interchangeably.
The fact that you are here, should be the first indicator that something isn’t right. You are searching for answers, and it’s not all in your head.
- Do you have a nagging feeling that something is off with your current relationship or friendship? It’s been a few weeks or months and you are beginning to see signs.
- Do you feel like you are on a roller-coaster of emotions where you don’t know what one day will be from the next?
- Have friends or family told you that they want you back? Or that you are a completely different person or worse yet– you can feel it?
- Do you feel confused, preoccupied, anxious, exhausted, or looking for answers?
If you answered yes to at least 3 of these questions, it is very possible that you are dealing with a Narcopath. Time to plan a smooth exit sooner rather than later.
Back to what you are here for…
Let’s start with the type of “relationship” you think you are in. According to researchers, Narcopaths view relationships as transactions. What do you mean by that? A transaction, an Illusion, or a fake “relationship”. You, the target were made to believe that you were in a serious relationship — while the Narcopath had a different agenda all along.
That’s because Narcopaths are incapable of being in real relationships. They lack empathy, compassion, and the innate ability to love and connect with another being. Narcs learned these emotions at an early age. They’ll get people to do what they want– so they become master manipulators and actors. This mental disorder usually stems from severe to mild childhood trauma.
They can act, and pretend that they feel sympathy, and that they care about (people or pets, things) but they don’t. Those feelings are superficial– learned behavior to get whatever they want. It can range from attention (Narcs need constant attention because they are perpetually bored), to status, money, sex, objects, and company you name it. They will do, say and go as far as they have to, to accomplish their ultimate goal; take what they need, while they need it. Then do as much damage as possible, and either discard the victim or stay– if it is a great source of supply.
Narcopaths will damage e v e r y single person that crosses their path. One way or another, they will inflict pain, hurt, chaos, and often severe damage. Be it financial, emotional, or even physical.
Narcopaths claim that they are masters at moving on, but that couldn’t be furthest from the truth. They only move forward — that’s easy (remember they lack empathy, and genuine concern?). They believe that they move on, but they can’t and won’t. These types of individuals can’t let go, because of their deep-rooted need to control. Therefore, a constant supply is needed along with obsessive behavior. Their thought process is more along the lines of ownership vs feelings.
- If you are here, you are either:
- A survivor of Narcissistic-Sociopathic abuse.
- A victim (in a marriage/relationship) looking for answers or reassurance to get out asap. A victim (within a family circle) currently experiences narcissistic abuse.
I’d like to mention that this topic is extensive and complex. Thus, I am going to focus particularly on abuse by a Narcopath. Rest assured that several of the traits are common among these individuals.
The following list will hopefully help you identify a Narcopath or anyone under the APD disorder. Hopefully, you can get rid of that anxiety, pain, and despair that brought you here in the first place.
Without further ado here are the 12 Sings that you are most likely dealing with a Narcopath:
1. You are Experiencing or Experienced The I.D.D Relationship” Cycle
- Idealization or love bombing, at the beginning of the transaction (remember it wasn’t a relationship–it was a mirage). Here’s where most of the grooming, and mirroring, occurs. Everything seems too good to be true because– It is. It’s all part of the act and their agenda.
- Devaluation a few weeks, months, years (maybe decades) after you’ve been together. Here’s where the crazy-making begins. Triangulation, mind games, name-calling, comparisons, criticizing, emotional warfare, and silent treatment take place. The latter can morph into many forms such as withholding affection, attention, time, intimacy, and even sex. And finally…
- Discard when the person you once knew is no more, when all your life is nothing but a living nightmare ridden with anxiety, sleepless nights, poor emotional and at times physical health. Here’s where the Narcopath has either found a new supply, gone back to old ones, realized you are onto them, or you no longer have something they once wanted from you. Or better yet, it was YOUR choice to run for the hills once you learned that you were with the definition of pure vile evil. Bye Felicia 🙂
During the Idolization period, the Narc will shower you with incredible amounts of attention, and affection. The gifts, text messages, phone calls, dates– you name it will roll out too. You are the center of … Yep, picture that Target symbol. You were/are the main target for one of the most sinister games there are; manipulation. You are being used and abused and will end in devastation.
This individual seems needy, almost to the point that you begin to question their neediness. Something doesn’t add up… Well, that’s because it won’t. This stage is usually called the grooming or hoovering period. It is important to mention that the neediness is real because Narcopaths are chronically bored individuals. Plus, they need emotional feedback whether negative or positive.
Remember those times when they enticed a fight, argument or showed you something, or made a comment to upset you? That’s one example of negative emotional feedback. Most of us can’t fathom the idea of enticing an argument or ruining a good time nor would provoke another person right? Not them! They can and do it with ease and very often. Narcopaths take immense pleasure in seeing your reaction– again negative or positive. It is a sinister, twisted, and demented behavior that only their kind can savor.
Everything seems so perfect. You are soulmates… You both have so much in common. You are amazing, unique, the most beautiful, perfect, intelligent being that’s walked the earth. That’s called mirroring, and part of the grooming period as well.
You begin to notice a few months (or if you are lucky enough weeks) into the “relationship” that they are like a Chameleon. For example, If his favorite barber who he’s grown fond of loves cars, the Narcopath will learn about cars and everything related to them. That’s to gain his trust and build some type of rapport with him for their gain.
If you like chocolate, they suddenly love it too. Even though, behind your back, they will despise chocolate because the new sexy supply is allergic to it.
She begins to frequent a new bank. There, she’ll act like a sophisticated hard working woman, only to gain the trust of the teller. That way he doesn’t realize that she only wants a better deal on that new checking account.
Do you need them to be a sympathetic sibling? They’ll be that too because supply must come from somewhere. No matter what kind!
Read that a few times…
They will “help” neighbors, co-workers, or pretend they are great citizens to the elder neighbor only because they’ll gain something out of them. You get the gist.
Narcissists are the ultimate reincarnation of Chameleons. Let’s not forget that some of them will voice their dislike for someone or something. Yet, they will engage the new supply to fit their agenda and then discard him/her when they want to. It’s a cycle they know too well, and have learned to embrace their entire lives.
3. Gaslighting– A Narcopath’s Favorite Manipulation Tool
One of the favorite weapons of mass emotional destruction for a Narcopath is gaslighting. Since they are pathological liars to the chore, they will forget about their lies. So, when you discover them, they will do anything to convince you that it’s all in your head. The lies range from cyber-cheating, their whereabouts, marital status, addictions, and living arrangements. Heck, they lie about lying (Many times they lie for the thrill of it).
Gaslighting is the manipulation of information and/or the environment to confuse you into questioning your perception of reality and mental health. It is intentionally malevolent behavior to make you feel crazy(O’Mairan, 2014; Wallerstein, 1973).
Simply put, it’s the ability of a Narc to make you doubt your perception or understanding of a certain event and/or it’s accuracy. It is not easy to understand unless you have experienced it firsthand because we are all used to dealing with things in a straightforward manner: You ask a question, you get an answer. With gaslighting It looks like this:
- You get a reply but it’s not really responsive to the question (e.g. Question: were you unfaithful to me? Answer: I love you. You are the only one I love. It’s always been only you. Why are you doing this?).
- You get the silent treatment (Why do you ask me these things when you know they’re so hurtful to me? Why do you do this to me all the time? I don’t wish to have this conversation) then you hear crickets for two weeks because he’s stopped talking to you, or
- They suddenly suffer from selective amnesia (I don’t know what you’re talking about. Can we stop with all this drama? You are a drama king, You always do this!)
Did you ever get a simple yes or no to your patently simple question? Nope. You got a ton of replies none of which really answer the question. That’s gaslighting. It is crazy-making at its absolute finest.
Think about it, when you tell someone to stop doing something that bothers you they stop right? Not the Narcopath. You’ll lay out your boundaries and dislikes and they’ll ignore them blatantly with the least regard.
They are selfish and do not care about anyone but themselves –unless there’s something in it for them, they’ll “pretend they care”. It’s all about control and emotional feedback.